friendship

      its something strange... and fate had it spiritually connected... somehow... you need friends... no matter how independent you are... to me? as i always said... its very important... and i couldnt carry on living without my friends... especially those very close to me... no need further mentioning... you all know who you are...

      I wonder if its GOD toying me or they just want me to get back to whom i should be... i was amused by what had happened over and over again... and its something unexplainable... or is it merely coincidence? Like i said... there are times when i almost thought i should be all alone... there are messages from friends or actions from them... telling me that they are there... assuring me that they stand by me...

      A few times when i am down... and felt so alone... CgM send me sms... those FWD message... even though many people thought that its pretty 'bo liao'... especially for guys sending to guys... but it is this that maintain the link between two person... CgM is my BMT darling... haha... its strange... but it do happens... i somehow felt that he could actually tell that i am down even he is not by my side... ridiculus? i don't know...

      If that is not spiritual connection... then what about the multi-coincidence i had with Dz... there are many times when we spoke the same words at a same pace with same tone (at times)... So can anyone explain to me that? Somehow he know how i felt... without me explaining much... he know where i stand and seldom did he misunderstand me... only me can't really know what he thinks... haha... as he almost reveal nothing to me... or there is nothing to reveal... same bunk for at least 11months... so i guess the connection is built there? There are times when only i know what he trying to joke when the rest don't... hmm... spiritual connection huh?

      When i felt insecure of who i am recently... i saw KoonEk & KR leaving a testimonial for me... which somehow did spur me on a little... knowing that people appreciate me... that is the reason... i guess... why i am still pondering about... whether i am bringing happiness or simply making people around me unhappy... especially those who cares... like Jx & Dz... Should i stay? or Should i go?

defeated

      Thoughts simply flashed through my mind... Questions kept poping up in my brain... Music of A-do was playing in my Discman... At the moment of time... i almost went berserk... i grabbed my head and calmed myself down... Dz, i wasn't sleeping... i was trying to control my emotions... at that moment... i almost wanted to shout out loud... 'i had Enough~!' to myself... mind almost bloated...

      Unfair it may seems... but i had thought that there is no other way out... Friendship had disappoint me once after another... There are many times i wanted to give up the 'close friendship/buddy' i had... and i placed quote it as it may just turn out to be one-way thinking... many times... friends hurt me... indirectly... to them... its the way they normally behaves... but to me... maybe due to the fact that i expect alot from buddies... its just not what i thought buddies should be... But yet whenever i thought that i might as well be alone... they happened to show that there is a glimpse of light for the buddy-ship...

      its the struggle between the heart & brains... and its the emotions that became the victim... i guess its hard for me to open my heart again... and i might soon be isolated personel... i'm too tired to carry on... too afraid to get hurt again... i'm totally defeated... this time round, i guess i wouldnt be able to stand up again... for months i tried... to no avail... but who cares? and who's with me anyway...? i've thoughts of sending out emails to Jx, Dz, Jin and maybe Ber... maybe if GOD never toyed me around... i might be more decisive...

      My mind now is very messy... i don't know what i wrote in this post also... i didn't had the best of my time... losing EZ-link on my way back... i don't know what i am going to do next... my indecisiveness is killing me... Ignore me... Ignore this post... its not important... i guess my email is more important... as soon i may no longer be important... wat toking me?... Beats me...

      Army? Ex Diamond Link came to an end... and glad that this Ex allow me to talk to Dz abit... After the Ex, my spects broke... BN run today.... Jx & Kang was damn fast even Jx refused to admit... today's run is a proof... i can't seem to catch up... i had lost the will to run & the interest in running... Today's run was 'conditioning' for SUN's Army Half Marathon... i don't think i can make it anymore...

a note from my heart

      Never had i send such a large number of songs within one day to another person... haha... but hopefully the songs i sent are nice to you... to me.. it is.. and i choose it with sincerity...

      Thanks to Ber & Jx over the weekend... chat with me.. oh ya.. Jin as well for all the Project Superstar Songs... i'm feeling better now... i just need time to gain back the confidence i lost... but watching Project SuperStar is spur on for me... Weilian's songs had always managed to touch my heart and i did again drop tears for him... Wonderful~! That's what i like about singing... able to reach out to the mass... with your heart...

      my strength, i guess, lies in my singing... maybe i am not a good singer or often more irritating than melodious... i somehow feel comfortable in singing... and forget much woes when im singing... as i always wanted to 'wow' people with my voice.. but no courage to do so... hence KTV is the place i had been... i don't want to be a burden to people... don't want them to worry for me... so i'll try to motivate myself... cheer myself... learn to be less petty... less demanding... but i do hope that you guys can stand by me...

      at times, i may really be irritating... and may even step on your tails... but i mean no harm... honestly... i would hurt myself more than anyone else... especially my love ones... my friends... i am trying my best to learn but its not going to be easy and i really need you guys motivating me... if i did anything bad or behaving not right... hope you guys understand... and provide a gentle reminder... i may not express that i appreciate it... but honestly i do... i just a person that don't really know how to express myself well...

      i want to apologise if i did cause any unhappiness to you guys... but i hope that i will never lost you guys... and last but not least... a big... Thank you....

fresh air

      Needed some fresh air... i decided to go COMEX today with the rest... namely Kek, Jq, Dz, Kang, Edwin, Terence, TH & WL... Never thought that i would see Jx... haha.. coincidence... Yao Qiang, YiLon, Jin, RenJie, Kelv are also in the house... but i only managed to see YQ & YL... separately...

      Managed to brighten up my spirit a little... and glad i didn't become exhausted till going home timing... Never joined them for dinner... as usual little appetite and i am full with just 7 pieces finger food, 1 black pepper puff & 1 sour plum juice... imagine?! hmmm...

      i rewarded myself with an affordable 512 mp3 player... its cheapo brand but the cost is big to me... although many won't believe my saying... $130+ ... one of the most expensive stuff i had spluge on... but mp3 is something i wanted for a long time... since my 2nd discman spoilt and 1st discman's LCD soon broke after that...

      i did a little stun today... a little crazy but its fun when i think back... using my handphone voice recorder... Too bad... Jin's, Jx's phone couldn't play the file while Dz accidentally delete it without knowing that its a media file... haha...

wo zhen de shou shang le

chuang wai ying tian le      ying yue di sheng le
wo de xin kai shi xiang ni le...

deng guang ye an le      ying yue di sheng le
kou zhong de mian hua tang ye rong hua le
chuang wai yin tian le      ren shi wu liao le
wo de xin kai shi xiang ni le...

dian hua xiang qi le      ni yao suo hua le
hai yi wei ni xin li dui wo you xiang nian le...
ze me ni sheng ying bian de leng dan le
shi ni bian le      shi ni bian le...

deng guang xi mie le      ying yue jing zhi le
di xia de yan lei yi ting bu zhu le
tian xia qi yu le      ren shi bu kuai le
wo de xin zhen de shou shang le...

nothing is perfect

      i always had a high expectations on myself... almost a perfectionist... i would be sad or disappointed when i don't acheive targets i set... or the minimal i set for myself... or i don't get what i wanted from people around me... needless to say people whom i had always loved... my friends... my buddies...

      Many times... people see me sad or angry... and some might even thought that its them who made me that way... but honestly, i have no rights to blame others on how things had turned out... i would only blame myself as... i should only blame myself... why am i expecting from people that i know i will never get... many people thought that i am competitive... especially with others... yes i agree, i often pit against others... or compared myself with others... but most importantly... my minimal standard is... i want to compete with myself... better my own records...

      i may be viewed as childish... i may be viewed as insensitive... or even blamed for what had happened... but i don't care much as long as i get the trust i think i deserved... especially my buddies... to many people, family had been #1 in their importance list... they can even call back every night, like Jx... i envy that... but to me... i somehow i don't... and Friends or should i say buddies are my #1...

      maybe, just maybe... i shouldn't be asking so much... but am i...?!

don't know

      Losing faith... losing trust... losing courage... losing confidence... losing soul... and at one point of time... i had almost lose myself...

      its been a long time since i almost lose control of my emotions... no... not really crying as tears had long been dried... its the anger... i had almost lost control of myself... blood boils... wanting to bash them up or even cursed them to death... Thankfully, i still managed to 'wake up' and never been harsh to others who are innocent...

      i soon chose to remain silence... not that i don't want to say out... but i don't know how... i found out that i couldnt really express myself the way i wanted to... maybe due to TH incident too... i kept many things to myself... i couldn't really find any channel... or anyone really ready to listen to me... im saying in army, of course... i know Dz & Jx had been asking me why i behaves the way i did before & after Exercise Falcon... i couldn't answer the questions... i just suddenly feel so lost... i could force a smile for people like QiKang or YaoQiang 'cos they don't really know me... and i don't want them to worry for me... My platoon mates had been with me longer... hence they saw me at my lowest point of army days before...

      my heart wants me to tell Dz & Jx what happens... but somehow i couldn't do it... i feel that they will say that i am childish... and stupid to think the way i am thinking... or saying my reactions to things are wilfulness... but i just wanted them to trust me and be with me... Just like a child wanted to be 'like' by others... and wanting their 'big sisters' or 'big brothers' to be with them for endless time... maybe i am selfish... but i can't stop myself from thinking that way... i couldn't dished out all my thoughts... but this is the minimal of my thoughts...

      i just don't know...

exhausting

      Went Diana's Birthday party... everything went well and everybody but one is cool... She is none other than Diana's sis... Commanding Officer sia... Head of Logistic sia... 2 nicknames upon first meet up... Instead of helping Diana to serve us or entertain us... She expect us to be the cheap labour and BBQ food for them...

      Diana had always treat us not bad... hence we can only endure... Shengxin & Hanwei obviously is exploding soon... haha... Ended up we work whole night... till clearing up... Diana is totally 100% drunk... we stayed till late at night accompanying her... all of us are secondary classmates... never had i thought i can be so sociable... i guess my mindset need to change a bit... hmm...

      I burned my leg... haha.. alright, relax... my leg got burnt by the exhaust pipe (i think) by Hao's bike... me careless... now there is a scar on my leg le... hope it will subside... Meeting Ris later... had been pushing away for weeks... feeling bad... booking in after that... tar~tar~

Tour de JB

3 of many tired guys... just lies on the road...

The lane where we can get Singapore Phone Connection

Looks like a pro? i sux that day...

The non-bowlers

After much persuading... Finally... Jx sings...

Something fishy going on between TH & WL

YiDa promoting his album outside RedBox

RedBox provides buffet too... Great food...

With Kek & Jx finally sings,
their vocal are not as bad as they mention

Make a Wish, Dz

Present giving ceremony from WL, main organiser

Before leaving RedBox

I shared bed with Jx & Kang... Kek? he slept alone...

Breakfast after Route March... Food Sux...

Last group photo on bed before booking out...

more interesting comments & actions here...

exhausting

      A pretty tiring week indeed... we had an Exercise Crouching Tiger on Thurs... its not really tough overall... but my detachment were new... plus me and Dz had some minor injuries... i injured my arm on WED while doing EAS for vehicles from SI/2SIG.... QiKang is my new commander hence still pretty foreign to the procedures & equipment... he is from SSD by the way... he replaced Marcus till 'Diamond Link II'... With QiKang, our RID are renamed from 39RID (39A) to SK-RID... All three of us are SengKang residents...

      Recently, there is a person rising steadily in our hate list... Going to #1 spot soon is Mr Alfred... a.k.a. No.2 (Coy 2IC)... he is doing alot of things that we hated... not only don't like... i wonder why would a person go and do all the nonsense just to get people to hate him... is he sadist or what... he a little bian tai leh... like people to hate him... I almost exploded upon seeing him... he definitely displaced CSM, Kelly & OC in my hate list... Thankfully... i managed to control my temper especially with people around me like Dz, Jx... keep talking to me... Oh ya.. and of course my bunk for keep saying what i feel as they complained on the night after the exercise... i shall not continued... or else... my blood going to boils again...

      Today's highlight must be the 10km run... Pretty glad that i managed to complete it without any struggling for breath or my injuries... timing wasn't my major concern today... although i must admit i am a little bit unhappy at that point of time when i feel i gave my best to finish 10km... yet alot of them ran less than 10km... i know 'cause i overtook them... haha... but after much thoughts... i couldn't care much... it doesn't concern me whether they ran 10k or what... in the end... its me who benefits as it keeps me fit...

      Received 'The Chervons' membership card today... Hmm... need alot of rest as i could feel my body, eyes & brains are going to turn off soon... haha...

The Chervons