struggled with feelings

     i'm suffering from depression as i believed i am. Suddenly, i am feeling lost in this world. What will the future be like? Why am i not doing what i am suppose to do? Why are things work against me? Yet i should be happy with some things that happen and meant to be good news...

     Aris and i went for a job application at the same outlet of Swensen's. I am chosen for the interview while he is not. i should be happy that i get the job, isn't it? But on the other hand, i like the environment in NTUC. I wished to go back, but fear to go back. There are people there who i don't wish to meet or work with and, i guess, don't wish to see me either. I am also sad that my buddy didn't get the job even though the person who contacted me say he can go down and fill up another form and place under KIV, i guess is shortlisted. Should i go for it?

     i should be happy that my supervisor saw me today and say he was quite happy with my progress, my performance. But i don't know why the feeling is short-lived. Soon, i am filled with sadness again. And more worst, the fear of screwing up the Wk6 presentation make me feel more down. Why, just why, can't i be happy at the moment? i know i can do better, i wasted lots of time. i can finished the stuff using less than a week, but i always stretched it to a week. Poor productivity.

     Getting my blog done few days ago was the happiest moment for these days. But just now, i accidentally deleted one whole part of the blog, making the alignment look ugly now... i hope i can find the only back up in my school lab. Recently, i drank. "No big deal!" to many of you, but to me, if you know me well, i seldom drink. This time round i drank for two days. Even though i only drank one or two bottles and not yet drunk, i felt like drinking more...

     i don't know why i am feeling all this right now. Don't ask me, i am not sure myself. i really cried just now when i deleted the blog. It had been a long long time when i last cried. i guess its few months back. i felt very secure with Liying and Siang when i meet them just now, so i asked them to stay longer with me. Even though i really have nothing to say or interesting to chat about, i am glad to feel their presence. Call me stupid, call me childish. There is a child in everyone, and i only ask for the company of friends when i'm lost in this world, is it ridiculus? Can't i make such a simple request?