life without...

      Army could be tough... but friends simply make things simpler... even if there is much things to do and not much rest... Thanks to Kelv, KokHong, Jx, Mun and terence... my life pretty entertaining when i return camp on TUE... They filled up the emptiness in my life... though not totally covered up, at least i live much happier... then alone...

      Life without TH is simply great... the three days is one of the happiest time i had for months... free without his presence... simply not affected by him... i lived the life i wanted for those days... basketball... fooling around... joking around with the rest of the guys...

      it wasn't easy for me as i had a quarrel at home before booking in on MON... but and i found the emptiness in my heart... the space left by my buddy... it will never be filled up... i suddenly felt that i had no one to turn to... no one to speak to... Thanks Jin... for listening to me... showing concern... i really appreciated... everything just went wrong...

      Though we gave each other some time off the matter... but THURS & FRI simply remind me how things will never be the same... i wanted you to be happy... but i can see that there is nothing you would change for me... that doesn't matter anymore... i shalln't go into details... im sure you aren't interested... just go on with your happy life... its heartening to see you do enjoy your time these days...

      Home became the last place i wanted to be at ... after the bust up on Mon night... maybe one day... you will find me loiter around the void decks... haha... who knows... and who cares...

do you really understand...

      Do you really understand my feelings... my sadness...? Do you... really feel for me...? You seems to be so near to be... yet... you can be simply hard-hearted and feel that you are far away from me... why am i feeling all these? why am i feeling an emptiness within my heart...? why am i feeling so scared? scared of losing what i used to have... scared of being alone... scared of everything... why... why am i feeling all these?

      As the situation do not improve... it became a quicksand situation... i simply continue to sink deeper... rather than being pulled up... as the last one i trust seems to be a distance away from me... though i trust that he will always be with me... though i always know he do care... but i could now only see the back of him... maybe he need a break... maybe he is too tired of seeing me in the quicksand... maybe to him... no matter how hard he tries to pull me up... i doesnt seem to help myself up... so why bother...

      i couldn't help myself... my mind keep turning... keep moving... keep thinking... especially i am waiting for some reaction... some reply... but maybe... there won't be one... will there be? i still hope to have reply... i simply lost... stuck in the sand... not sure what to do... even though i know i shouldn't feel this way... as many people around me want to see me well.. but still... i felt somehow lost...

      Unlike many others... they have a harbour for their lonely ship to stop at... for me... my home do not have the sense of belonging... maybe there are parents who do care & whip up dishes for me... but we are not that close till i can bring up my daily problems to them... there isn't a corner i can design or call it my own...

      Everything seems to be not in place... not they way i want them to be... i'm really scared... really... scared...

week on outfield

      Though i should say i didn't had a great week, but it wasn't that bad either... had a rather boring outfield EX... went out with buddy during night out... chilling out... BN movie treat on FRI after which went with Terence to apply for his Uni course... It wasn't great as there is some bust up during the week...

      Alright i do admit that after so many things happened... i am getting more short-tempered than before... those who know me for years would be my witness... i trying to control my temper le... though it may not be seen.. but i really am trying my best...

      At the same time, i am also trying to earn back the trust and friendship of a person i treasure... i felt that i may take him for granted at times and indeed hurt & disappoint him on many occassion... hence i will work hard for what i had caused to change... if i am the cause, then i shall repent my mistakes... and earn back the friendship... i don't want pity or whatsoever... i just hope to get what i deserved...

      Siang & Belinda : i know you guys are worrying for your own affairs too... Stay strong, don't worry about me too much... Ber, thanks for asking Siang to check on me daily when i was at EX outfield... Nothing would happen only that i might get a little down for quite awhile... but i am definitely safe & sound under the care of my buddy and node...

not alone

      Often, i felt alone in this cruel world... Fighting solo in this tough world... but i am glad to be wrong... i am not alone... not now at least... no matter how much i don't feel for this empty house of mine... i know somewhere i can have my soul rely on... another soul... spiritual huh?

      i suddenly feel that i am worthless as a friend... as a buddy... or even failed as a person... its really heartbreaking to feel that way... i really do not know what i should feel... sad? angry? disappointed? whatever... i get a little 'pek chek' and at times i sound nasty or not friendly... not you guys fault... just that i don't know who i am... i don't feel myself well... Sorry to whoever being affected by me...

      Last week seems to be another week... Guard duty... My plans had all been haywired... From wanting to go out with Dz alone during nights out... to plans after booking out... All thanks to Army... No one at fault... we are just helpless against fate... Even SAT i had to change my plan for my outing... but i am not totally unreasonable, of course... i am disappointed... and a little angry when i heard the change of plans... but soon i understand the situation and get on with the new plans... i still enjoy it...

      Too many things emotionally happened this week... but yet... i don't know how to blog... hence this post may sound a little distorted or without any flow... because... i can't 'feel' it correctly yet...