losing...

      Losing my dreams... losing my hope... losing my soul... losing my... self...

      i prayed and prayed almost every night... silently before bed... just hoping that we could have pass our driving test... no... i never prayed for myself... i prayed that my bunk could go IWCD together... that is my latest dream... but i guess, it will never happen... I knew that my bunkmates are much more ZAI than me... therefore i could understand that if i fail due to situation outside... but...

      Early morning, minutes and hours after the test started... good news kept coming... Out of the three that went for the test in my bunk... all three passed... my other friends also managed to pass the test... and soon... my turn... I panicked... afraid... that they will leave me alone... all alone in the bunk... but still i am happy for them... but i just couldn't stop worrying...

      Indeed, i let myself down... let all my friends down... there was no use for their well-wishing... their lucky watch or even lucky pen... i was left behind... i made numerous silly mistakes before turning back to original start point... never even went out of the road... i felt devastated... as i walked back... i have no face looking at them... i could only stop my tears from rolling... as i record my mistakes... Once everything is done... i walked into their group... i sat down... All eyes was out of concern... gathering around me...

      i let them down... i let myself down... i let my instructor down... soon i lost my composure, my calmness... and eventually my soul... i tried to control... but i couldn't... i was able to calm people down... but deep inside me... i am afraid... nervous... and eventually all these took control of me...

      I don't feel good since i forgot to bring my wallet... then soon... somehow or rather, indirectly, i caused two friends' failure... at times, i really hate myself... why am i causing troubles to people... now that there is only 5 of us from 3SIG left... i wonder who will be gone first, or could we all go together... i am disappointed with myself... Once again... sorry JianXin & JianQiang