in search for my space...

     ...i have no place to go.

     Where do i belong to? Is there a place i called my own? My house is simply a shelter for me to stay overnight... somewhere i couldn't turn to... when i am lost... when i am down... there isn't a sense of belonging... living under a big family... i had to shared my space... my room with my siblings... my family.... i do not have the luxury of having a corner just for myself... not say a room... i couldn't display whatever i like in my room... i do not have a say in my family... who am i then?...

     Having thoughts that i could have my friends to rely to... i focus on living outside my restricted area... i'll do whatever i could for my friends... as i know one day... some day i will need them... 'treat people how you wanted to be treated' is always my motto.... i tried my very best to make people happy... even at the expense of tires myself... or at times hurt myself... not having enough rest... i am willing to go all out... i did all these in hope that i had someone to turn into when i needed them... at least there is a 'space' in the outside world for me to live in...

     But i am wrong... totally wrong... my little space had been wrecked... as i thought i could be a strong warrior and fend off all challenges... i discovered... i am nothing but a weakling... i do not have any strong bonds... i do not have any back ups... one idiotic creature can destroyed my peaceful life... it simply took away whatever i worked so hard for... my friends... my life... i'm totally defeated...

     Life is cruel, isn't it...? when you get hurt a little... more things turned up to hurt you more... Being disappointed at range (after a series of events)... i continued being hurt at the outing... and of course, when i thought staying at home can be the last place i get hurt from the outside world... i ended up was disappointed with my family... maybe i asked too much... maybe i'm too self-centered... but all i can say was... i am.... definitely.... affected....

injury prone

      Hadn't been a good week for me... i guess... at Live range, my earplug spoilt... so i repaired it... after which i lost it while moving from one training shed to another as my detail was called upon... during the shooting, i had IA and causing myself to lost 3 rounds not expanded... As i thought my team need more points to be in the safe zone... i aimed to perfect my day shoot... but it seems that i was destined not to shine...

      i managed to maintain my composure and shot down the rest of the targets in my morning shoot... i am really disappointed... but i guess no one really can understand how i feel... even if i type now... may not be close to how i feel then... i even fell into the drain that day... thought no serious injury for that fall... At night, i miss quite alot too... but thankfully, enough to cover up my team's missed targets to pass the range... still, im disappointed with my own performance... As for the team, i really didn't expect to get marksman... though many may thought i really aim for it... i am not that selfish...

      During the range, i lost my soul after the day shoot... and soon injured myself as i carelessly cut myself with the drain cover while retreiving empty rounds... today, i fell into a 'trap' and cut my leg while transfering stuff for my friends to new bunk... both cuts seems to be quite big... leg one deeper... both simply bleeds alot... hence i ran to toilet to wash the wounds and cover up... i guess, my soul had been shot dead during the range... as i continued to daze through my time... sorry Dz & team... i'm not competent enough... if i am, you guys could enjoy more of the night shoot le...

      Came back from a disappointing outing... a bad choice going there... i just thought of accompany Dz during the return journey... but ended up, i brought so much unhappiness to the outing... Sorry Zhang, just blame me for the lateness... my buddy is not at fault... but this will most likely my last outing... so don't worry that i wouldn't make you wait anymore... Dz, you are not at fault... if you are... then i will be worse... don't blame yourself... its all destined... that's all i have to say... no more... no less...

not one but two?

      Bought two albums today and some toiletries... Thanks Dingze, for accompanying me there despite been there days back... Really appreciate that... i felt better le... Thanks to all those who msn/sms me to cheer me up... even my dad did say some encouraging words... my heart is warmth...

      i went chinatown and got myself JJ's latest album... not yet listen.. will listen in camp... But ended up, i got Kelly's one too.. haha... not from any store... but my cousin... he went to buy the newer version that contains tee-shirts and some Kelly-advertised card... Hence, i bought over from him lor... if not he waste money buy 2... for what sia? haha...

      Tonight will be rather quiet or lonely for me... as my buddy not booking in... the rest should be sleeping early due to guard duties and/or they normally sleep early one... so guess i start to pack and book in le... see ya...

A failure Driver

      i failed... Not that lucky to be a driver... Everything seems so smooth... Good Tester... Good Route... I felt rather ok after a few minutes on road... The journey is smooth... and i thought... i just thought i could pass... but...

      i still couldn't feel the disappointment when i failed... but soon... the emotions set in... i was disappointed... but no one to turn to... don't want to say much to Jx or even Dz... 'cause i don't wish to let their mood affected since they are going for driving in Kakit Bukit... hence, im all alone again... i should have expected the outcome... how can a lousy driver pass? i never thought i could do it... but hope to do it... of course...

      Feeling dejected... i decided to stay at home... Not going out wit Ris and Twins... My chest still hurts... its been two weeks.. *sigh* wonder if it is really serious... can't breathe deep... really feel alone... but still... i must say thank you to those who sms me wishing good luck & asking for my results... thanks!

So Cool

      In army, life did not seems to be smooth but not always rough... at least i passed my CAT C driving assessment... so one less thing to worry about... after TUE's SOC, i had fallen sick... morning still ok... as in just feel tired and flu which i had for days... Then after taking a small nap... i feel weak and head simply felt heavy and tight... felt dizzy when i stand up... but rest in bunk... never go for night-out...

      i hadn't been me for sometimes now... but thankfully, i had a bunch of great people around me who is there for me... i tried hard but simply couldnt do it still... i failed as a friend... as a person... as a buddy... i should have been more strong... i almost admit defeat... but thankfully, i hadn't... though i still not know what is my next move... but at least... i know i had all of you guys with me... and i know i said many times... still... sorry, if i hurt anyone of you guys... you guys had been great... never will i be angry with you guys... don't worry...

      Now tomorrow will be my next test... Civilian driving test... will i be able to make it...? will i pass with one try? i don't know... im pretty nervous... pretty scared... especially i heard jin, Dz, Kek, Terence's experience of first driving test... but i hope i can maintain my composure... Thanks Dz, for giving me some reminders, tips about the test... now must pray that i can get through it... its an expensive test... though i'm considered lucky compare to Dz or many others... Pray for me...

      Suddenly, the Right-Hand drive Orientation was compulsory to be on 18th... which is tomorrow... but due to my Civi-TP, i am officially excused... i tried my best to fight for them to be on 25th... but i had limited abilities... i felt so worthless... seeing their angry face, yet i couldnt do anything... Sorry guys...

      Finally, Terence accept my invitation and went out with me... haha.. sounds like i jio-ing a girl and finally being accepted? No lar... its just fated that many times when i ask him out or we went out as a group, he or me not free when the other was free... Anyhow... we watched I NOT STUPID 2... a great show... though the script might not be the best or original... but the way its shooted simply moved me to tears... it really so realistic that i can feel for the characters... maybe i saw some incidents in real life or i personally undergoes before... so i can relate to it easier... it simply make me feel like blogging more... haha... So Cool... So Lame... Whatever...

clashes

      Node logo is almost done... as they had selected a fun-looking logo created by Teck... one of the many creation from him... i had withdrew all my 4 logos as i know that the node loves more fun logo... mine? too formal le... i'll keep under my portfolio ba... haha... i concede defeat... Teck won... but end up i still have to carry on where it stop... will be asking the rest if any editing needed for the logo... then may start planning on Polo-Tees... or maybe other items as souveniers...

      Now i know why Singapore Army need NSF so much... Their management simply couldn't make it... Everything keep changing last minute... and they expect us to do a good job... they wanted me to go for Rover Course & Generator Course... end up last minute clash both course on the same day... Thankfully, Dz let me rest and took over the Generator Course... But then, i was asked to assist the star-studded 5 RID Det Comms to mount 2 Veh for APM... Thankfully Tze Hee was there to help too... so 2 Man + 5 Det Comm... Getting fustrated a little there... i shalln't mentioned that as its kinda private... Dz would know what i mean... Keep to ourselves, its enough le...

      Now that Jx, Terence & Dz all successfully convert to Cat C le... Very happy for them... but that left me, Kek and SSDs not yet clocked milege yet... Da & Fabian just finish clocking yesterday... hence a bit sad... kinda like those Driving Days... when i'm left alone trying to pass... Hope i can pass my Cat C... a bit scared... then still have a Civi test next SAT... Hmm....

      I still feel bad for letting Dz bears all my nonsense... of course, i would not want to lose him... never... i guess, he is the only one who understand how i really feel... Thanks Dingze... and Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry.... Sorry... really Sorry... i know our partnership in RID is not merely for army... unlike many other detachment... ours is really buddy-ship... i will cherish it... with my life...

third movie

      Fun With Dick & Jane... is a movie mixed with comedy yet heart-warming element... Not really a hilarious movie as i expected... but it did enough to lighten my mood... Jim Carrey was natural... though he seems to be older le... hmm... Great to have my buddy watching with me... thought i would have to give it a miss... as for I Not Stupid Too, might see how... many friends do not like to watch local production in cinema...

      After being OWNED in dotA consecutively... finally break the 4 match losing streak... Yeah... Dz is SoLame & im SoCool haha... Best partnership... i supporting character again... and we did it... hehe... Nice game Dz...

      Finally feel the toll for driving consecutively for weeks or days... tight on my coffers... its really expensive to get a license... and i am paying all my own till now... but guess my little money (can't be called savings as too little) is not enough... hence i was proud to be sponsored by my parents for the next few lessons... i MUST pass... cannot take it if i fail... $$ *sigh*

thoughts

      i have been thinking about me & TH... do feel bad if i did hurt him with my harsh words a few days back... i don't really hate or dislike him... but just couldn't stand his actions sometimes... the rest can continue to be friend with him as they all could endure or ok with it... for me? more impatient... worse character ba... hence all these happens...

      of course, if he talks to me and not being loud all the time... maybe our friendship can still be salvage... i want to friend the old TH and not someone who tries to be another person... Acting happy or cheerful in front of me isn't the way to be... or i should say... stop showing me how happy you are or how good your relationship is with the rest, in front of me...

      we had been friends for so long le... No need to act... i know le... but due to the acting... to me at least... maybe... i couldn't stand it... haha... no matter what happens... i will be strong... as i know my friends & buddies will stand by me...

birthdays

      31st Jan... 1st Feb... 2nd Jan... 3 person birthdays consecutively... Happy Birthday to Ris, Bel & KR... it was my first time celebrating 3 birthdays with 3 group of friends... consecutively 3 days...

      Movie with Ris & friends on TUE... Longest Weekend (as i had watched Huo Yuan Jia & going to watch Fun with Dick & Jane with someone else) ... a funny show with some XXX part... was wondering why is it still M18... haha... funny movie... plus great performance from the lead actors... and of course, those... erm... parts... haha... Then had a dinner at Cafe Cartel with Bel & friends on WED... The Combo killed all four of us... Very full indeed... but as the Combo itself is a treat from Bel... and other food we shared... its very cheap ba... haha...

      After the dinner & pool with Bel last night... i went over to KR's group of people... we went KTV lounge... the feeling was new to me... just that maybe the system & aircon was a turn-off to me... but still im not sweating... haha... then we changed to Velvet, another lounge... We were welcome by some horrible singing... but soon things changed... Jesper, KR, Fabian & Sito all sing very well... me? not bad... at least had some applause from Fabian's two friends... haha... There was two girl with not bad vocal... so its pretty pleasant... i did enjoy last night... we went Geylang for supper before heading home... Great time together, guys...