evaluation

      its Friday night once again... booking out from the camp... its been a week, or maybe just three & a half day...? Book-in on tuesday... Couldn't say its a hectic week but its not that relaxing as well... Physically, Mentally...

      Emotionally unstable... i couldn't really concentrate what i am doing... i tried to... but easily get affected... i almost lost my cool in front of the specialists.... Jere, TeeRong & Patrick... of course, i might look a little 'hot' but i am definitely calming myself down... so never shout back... i just wanted to get the job done... so everyone can rest...

      Thanks to Teerong for solving my OFF woes... and giving me encouragement and tips just before the SOC starts... though i appear to encourage the others... i, myself... i definitely nervous like hell... i even feel stomachache & nauseous... can you believe it? haha... that's me... scarly cats... no one actually came to me and say 'jiayou'... only we SOC takers chitchat with each other... not him.. not anybody else... i so hope that my buddies were around... but unfortunately... they did not... never did they offer any consolation or encouragement... only Jin, fellow takers were there with me...

      SOC drained me completely today with the fact that its physically demanding... Thanks to TH that i managed to go through the SOC with ease... only the run down rather slack... i failed myself... i failed his goodwill.... almost went ga-ga during the nights... i went running... gym... and even trys to keep myself occupied in the spec bunks at night... wanting to keep my mind off the mental struggles...

      Guess the higher hopes i had... the more disappointed & hurt i get?... losing appetite... though i am god damn tired... i couldnt sleep... even the night before SOC... imagine not enough sleep yet i still went for SOC? N39 had been saying i was sleep talking... afraid of saying out things i shouldn't, i tried to sleep late... but i guess i failed to stop my illness...

      I gave them chance... i hope they appear during the runs, when it was draining... i hope to evaluate if i am really a friend of theirs... but all hope went dashing... i was just like or worst then N30/34 to them... at least they could laugh or initiate a chat with N30/34... to me? haha... i guess they are just too hurt...