tough & sick

      a rather tiring week... not been feeling very well... having stomachache, though not severe... and headache for the past few days... nauseous & lost of appetite too... hmm... guess im on my way to lose more pounds... haha... couldn't concentrate on stuff i do too... like the parade...

      i couldn't concentrate much during the rehearsals... and had to force myself to concentrate on the actual parade to minimize my mistake to some minor one... that could be covered up... during the rehearsal, i had been bombarded with comments, scoldings etc... since the very beginning of the SAR21 Drill... most of us used 3-4days to perfect the drills & parade... so i guess... a round of applause for all the marching contigents esp. 3SIG after having two COC in one week... tough, huh!?!

      if i appeared naggy in front of you guys, i do all these for your own good... i hope i do help a little by changing your bad habits... i have too... i am trying my best to change too... e.g. shaking of legs... Samuel keep reminding me to stop shaking... and i did... when he around though... :x but i know he meant well... and many people told me likewise... so i am trying to change... though its slightly difficult to do it all alone... so i thought that a gentle reminder could do no harm... even if you guys hate me for that... haha... but i'm okay as long as you changed for good...

      i guess 'once hurt twice shy' theory had caused me to have someone dislike my behaviour... i had lost two once-close friendship... even though back in talking terms in both occassions... the after-effects still do affect my life... afraid that i would lose another one... Maybe i tried too hard... maybe im too sensitive... maybe i'm too weak & dependent... why would these things happens to anyone else? A question that i once been thinking and was reminded by Dz... i guess my character had a serious problem... Once my greatest asset, my eyes... may just turn out to be my weakest point... this is also the reason for me to speak more freely in front of the pc or through the phone...

      Maybe you guys had heard it many times... but all i'm showing is care... i do care... and i am worried... but maybe i'm over-zealous... and caused negative effects... as long as you guys are living happily... i'll be happy... no matter how i'm treated... 'cos i always believed that only true friends can tolerate one's angst... bring it on...

Jaguar Rox

      What an outing... 1 NSPI, 3 Officers, 3 Specialists (1 regular)... and i am the only MAN there... sian right? haha... but having them serve me food is simply rare... haha... when will u get officers & specs to serve u food... haha... they are my friends from Jaguar... a few more were not available today... Moreover... it marks exactly one year since i POP from Tekong... YahooO~!

      i'm the only one late... yet they all treat me like big boss... haha... yapz... they treat me very good... so happy to see them... i do miss them... oh ya... my darling was there... hehe... if u saw the testimonials of mine in friendster... you would know who my darling is... so glad that they are all 'alive' haha...

      We had Dim Sum Buffet @ Tea House (i think) before head for LAN games in Far East... Dim Sum's variety was so-so... but still we enjoy chatting... haha... As for LAN... we had fun too... but my pc a little laggy at times...

      Weizhi told us about the incident where he was stabbed when working in GV Jurong Point... before army... but yet... the police is doing nothing... its a sad case... hearing that Singapore still have this kind of stuff... and of course... i found out some dark side facts from this outing too... make me lose faith a little with Singapore's security...

      Most importantly he survived from that incident... if i were him... i might be shocked for life... haha...

hectic week

      A rather hectic week for me... After being 'demoted' to the reserve squad.. :x for the CO's COC parade... and being 'marked' by CSM... i moved on and be involved in making two banner... for the event as well... so-called under 'Farewell' category as my PC is in-charge...

      Didn't had mood for the parade and also being misunderstood by CSM for one action... but glad that the rest all understand my part... so i wasn't that sad... Command was given wrongly, hence i didn't move... but the rest of the 4 contigents moved... so i'm at fault... if it was those days... i might be sad for being picked out... haha... alot of us was out of the squad... including Dz & Jx (84 & 82)... 3 of our rifle coincidentally formed... 82... 84... 86... haha...

      Out of parade, i was asked to do banner on WED night... i ended up do till wee hours... special thanks to Jx, Dz & TH... they came down to the office to help me... or else, i might took longer... we finished the drawing of banner at 3.30am... and the next day i do a simpler one and stop work at 12.25am... 2LT Wu was doing by himself... hence TH asked if i can go down with him to help.. and we did... Both banners received praises... 2nd banner received more help... from N33/39...

      I had always tried to accept TH... and i guess this incident build a bridge... Tian Shi, Di Li, Ren He... Although we are back to talking terms... i still need time to fully accept him... give me time... i had been trying very hard... trust me... Some conflicts or, more likely should be called, misunderstanding in between... but glad that cleared out just now... If Jx never reply my message... i might felt worse...

      Felt tired... sad... scared... on my way home... especially when Dz was too tired & fell asleep... i was back alone... had been thinking alot... but its all over... like Jx say... i even thought of posting a 'close friend' post to say my disappointment... but its cleared... i guess we are just people who can't express ourselves well... i guess i should be more open to him & express more to the people around me... i've learned... and still learning... and i will definitely be a better man...

      "Human normally will show more temper to people he is closer with... 'cos he know that they will always forgive them..." its from Channel 8, 9pm show... i totally agree and to me, i guess, is always "he/she expect more from people he/she is close with... hence react differently towards them"

      i felt so relieved and happy to clear my unhappiness... hehe...

Anime

      i guess i had fully recovered from the pain i had over the last few weeks... i had problems with breathing, swallowing, coughing etc... felt pain when doing all these... i don't even have the strength or mood to speak... its rather worrying...

      Watched the rest of Dear Boys... can pass to Jx le... story not bad... but drawing is a little disappointing... i guess this old series does not enjoy the programs we had today... hence not as beautiful as today's anime... hmm.. wondering which anime to go next... maybe Fullmetal... or Xmen ba...

      Get a plushie cushion to hug... its the material i and Kok Hong had been searching for... moreover its paid by my parents... haha... its nice to hug... c", ) Not much people online... No Jx... No Dz... Jin awhile only... hmm... i'm bored...

lost & found

      i didn't have a good week once again... yes.. "what's new?" isn't it? i've almost lost my handphone and i almost lost two most important friendship... glad its all over...

      i merely wanted my friends to be happy... and i felt jealous and afraid that my friend will be 'snatched' away... so i am feeling troubled... maybe you guys might say i 'think too much' or have 'silly thoughts' but how would you feel when your close friends are always with someone you don't like...? maybe i'm just too petty, obsessive or whatsoever... but i'm just afraid of losing friends...

      i isolate myself from the rest... keeping quiet... sitting alone... and thought they will be happier without my presence... i guess i am wrong... i brought them more worries... and i felt so useless as i always thought i bring nothing but troubles... on the way to Justin's chalet... i left my phone on taxi... Jx & Dz chased after the taxi with me... even though we failed to catch the taxi... they never gave up... unlike me... they called my phone, hoping someone picked it up... and yes... the kind passenger picked up the phone and made a U-turn to return me my phone...

      Despite my wilfulness & temper... Dz & Jx never gave up on me... and Terence & KH joined us and think of ways to get back the phone before the call gets through... i'd felt that i let them down... and when i felt remorseful about my actions these days... i thought there wasn't a turning back... i talked to sito and felt its my fault for what happen & thought Jx & Dz was angry with me and will no longer treat me as friend... this in return cause more pain in my heart... more lost...

      But i am very glad that they never really gave up on me... Even though Jx say he almost wanted to bash me up... he want me to wake up therefore have that thoughts... i've always wanted someone to really bash me up... as i felt i've always been protected by friends... maybe i need some bashing to clear my mind... no matter what... i'm relieved to have Dz & Jx back... and sorry to others who had been worrying for me... Jin... Terence... Kek... sito... and even Chester... just to name a few... hmm... I'M ULTIMATELY SORRY...

      Hope that my appetite will return soon... these weeks of major exercises, AHM had caused me to lose about 2-3kg... which is pretty surprising.... my weighing machine always placed me around 73kg-75kg for months... and i thought its spoilt... then last night... before my usual run... i noticed it dropped... so i guess... i really did lose some pounds... hmm... Anyway... i'm feeling better le...

AHm

      Yesterday, i made my specs, collect my contact lens... and went ktv with Jin only... Due to the 'GF Day' most guys accompany their gf or the rest had activities on... leaving only me & Jin... not bad i did enjoy myself... but i hate the group of guys keep looking over my direction... i guess they are commenting the actions i came up with while singing... you know what i mean? Thanks Jin...

      AHM today... its only 12km for me... but its definitely longer than the BN Run's 12km... every KM check pt. seems to be pretty far apart... but glad i made it... at first i thought of just walk through it... but young kids & handicap participants shamed me... and i suddenly felt motivated to run... so i end up running after the 2km mark... its really a 'mind run' as its all in your mind to finish it... of course, i am not fast... Dz & Jx are pretty fast... many participants ended up go for the 6km... due to 2 reasons... #1 lazy.... #2 poor management.... there isn't indications at the spliting points... i run up to the marshall to ask... at least i did complete 12km...

      I had tried to be happy... but i am totally worn out... and couldn't hide my feelings... im not unhappy about the run, Jx... but i guess you more or less know the reason le... i'm in dilemna on whether to leave or stay... but thanks for sms-ing me... i never thought you would do that... you are definitely a good friend... knowing where i stand did make me felt more comfort...

      up till now... i still remember a question that i had always been asking myself... but Dz brought it up that day on FRI's run... "Not asking other people... ask yourself... did you have any achievement...?" I guess apart from the fact that i did slim down... all by myself... there is no achievement at all... sadly but its true... that is why i always say my life is empty...

      it may be unfair and i know i am selfish... but i just thought that maybe... if you guys don't care about me... you guys might be more happy... that is why... if you guys are happy... im happy le... i don't wish to affect any other people's mood...

friendship

      its something strange... and fate had it spiritually connected... somehow... you need friends... no matter how independent you are... to me? as i always said... its very important... and i couldnt carry on living without my friends... especially those very close to me... no need further mentioning... you all know who you are...

      I wonder if its GOD toying me or they just want me to get back to whom i should be... i was amused by what had happened over and over again... and its something unexplainable... or is it merely coincidence? Like i said... there are times when i almost thought i should be all alone... there are messages from friends or actions from them... telling me that they are there... assuring me that they stand by me...

      A few times when i am down... and felt so alone... CgM send me sms... those FWD message... even though many people thought that its pretty 'bo liao'... especially for guys sending to guys... but it is this that maintain the link between two person... CgM is my BMT darling... haha... its strange... but it do happens... i somehow felt that he could actually tell that i am down even he is not by my side... ridiculus? i don't know...

      If that is not spiritual connection... then what about the multi-coincidence i had with Dz... there are many times when we spoke the same words at a same pace with same tone (at times)... So can anyone explain to me that? Somehow he know how i felt... without me explaining much... he know where i stand and seldom did he misunderstand me... only me can't really know what he thinks... haha... as he almost reveal nothing to me... or there is nothing to reveal... same bunk for at least 11months... so i guess the connection is built there? There are times when only i know what he trying to joke when the rest don't... hmm... spiritual connection huh?

      When i felt insecure of who i am recently... i saw KoonEk & KR leaving a testimonial for me... which somehow did spur me on a little... knowing that people appreciate me... that is the reason... i guess... why i am still pondering about... whether i am bringing happiness or simply making people around me unhappy... especially those who cares... like Jx & Dz... Should i stay? or Should i go?

defeated

      Thoughts simply flashed through my mind... Questions kept poping up in my brain... Music of A-do was playing in my Discman... At the moment of time... i almost went berserk... i grabbed my head and calmed myself down... Dz, i wasn't sleeping... i was trying to control my emotions... at that moment... i almost wanted to shout out loud... 'i had Enough~!' to myself... mind almost bloated...

      Unfair it may seems... but i had thought that there is no other way out... Friendship had disappoint me once after another... There are many times i wanted to give up the 'close friendship/buddy' i had... and i placed quote it as it may just turn out to be one-way thinking... many times... friends hurt me... indirectly... to them... its the way they normally behaves... but to me... maybe due to the fact that i expect alot from buddies... its just not what i thought buddies should be... But yet whenever i thought that i might as well be alone... they happened to show that there is a glimpse of light for the buddy-ship...

      its the struggle between the heart & brains... and its the emotions that became the victim... i guess its hard for me to open my heart again... and i might soon be isolated personel... i'm too tired to carry on... too afraid to get hurt again... i'm totally defeated... this time round, i guess i wouldnt be able to stand up again... for months i tried... to no avail... but who cares? and who's with me anyway...? i've thoughts of sending out emails to Jx, Dz, Jin and maybe Ber... maybe if GOD never toyed me around... i might be more decisive...

      My mind now is very messy... i don't know what i wrote in this post also... i didn't had the best of my time... losing EZ-link on my way back... i don't know what i am going to do next... my indecisiveness is killing me... Ignore me... Ignore this post... its not important... i guess my email is more important... as soon i may no longer be important... wat toking me?... Beats me...

      Army? Ex Diamond Link came to an end... and glad that this Ex allow me to talk to Dz abit... After the Ex, my spects broke... BN run today.... Jx & Kang was damn fast even Jx refused to admit... today's run is a proof... i can't seem to catch up... i had lost the will to run & the interest in running... Today's run was 'conditioning' for SUN's Army Half Marathon... i don't think i can make it anymore...

a note from my heart

      Never had i send such a large number of songs within one day to another person... haha... but hopefully the songs i sent are nice to you... to me.. it is.. and i choose it with sincerity...

      Thanks to Ber & Jx over the weekend... chat with me.. oh ya.. Jin as well for all the Project Superstar Songs... i'm feeling better now... i just need time to gain back the confidence i lost... but watching Project SuperStar is spur on for me... Weilian's songs had always managed to touch my heart and i did again drop tears for him... Wonderful~! That's what i like about singing... able to reach out to the mass... with your heart...

      my strength, i guess, lies in my singing... maybe i am not a good singer or often more irritating than melodious... i somehow feel comfortable in singing... and forget much woes when im singing... as i always wanted to 'wow' people with my voice.. but no courage to do so... hence KTV is the place i had been... i don't want to be a burden to people... don't want them to worry for me... so i'll try to motivate myself... cheer myself... learn to be less petty... less demanding... but i do hope that you guys can stand by me...

      at times, i may really be irritating... and may even step on your tails... but i mean no harm... honestly... i would hurt myself more than anyone else... especially my love ones... my friends... i am trying my best to learn but its not going to be easy and i really need you guys motivating me... if i did anything bad or behaving not right... hope you guys understand... and provide a gentle reminder... i may not express that i appreciate it... but honestly i do... i just a person that don't really know how to express myself well...

      i want to apologise if i did cause any unhappiness to you guys... but i hope that i will never lost you guys... and last but not least... a big... Thank you....

fresh air

      Needed some fresh air... i decided to go COMEX today with the rest... namely Kek, Jq, Dz, Kang, Edwin, Terence, TH & WL... Never thought that i would see Jx... haha.. coincidence... Yao Qiang, YiLon, Jin, RenJie, Kelv are also in the house... but i only managed to see YQ & YL... separately...

      Managed to brighten up my spirit a little... and glad i didn't become exhausted till going home timing... Never joined them for dinner... as usual little appetite and i am full with just 7 pieces finger food, 1 black pepper puff & 1 sour plum juice... imagine?! hmmm...

      i rewarded myself with an affordable 512 mp3 player... its cheapo brand but the cost is big to me... although many won't believe my saying... $130+ ... one of the most expensive stuff i had spluge on... but mp3 is something i wanted for a long time... since my 2nd discman spoilt and 1st discman's LCD soon broke after that...

      i did a little stun today... a little crazy but its fun when i think back... using my handphone voice recorder... Too bad... Jin's, Jx's phone couldn't play the file while Dz accidentally delete it without knowing that its a media file... haha...

wo zhen de shou shang le

chuang wai ying tian le      ying yue di sheng le
wo de xin kai shi xiang ni le...

deng guang ye an le      ying yue di sheng le
kou zhong de mian hua tang ye rong hua le
chuang wai yin tian le      ren shi wu liao le
wo de xin kai shi xiang ni le...

dian hua xiang qi le      ni yao suo hua le
hai yi wei ni xin li dui wo you xiang nian le...
ze me ni sheng ying bian de leng dan le
shi ni bian le      shi ni bian le...

deng guang xi mie le      ying yue jing zhi le
di xia de yan lei yi ting bu zhu le
tian xia qi yu le      ren shi bu kuai le
wo de xin zhen de shou shang le...

nothing is perfect

      i always had a high expectations on myself... almost a perfectionist... i would be sad or disappointed when i don't acheive targets i set... or the minimal i set for myself... or i don't get what i wanted from people around me... needless to say people whom i had always loved... my friends... my buddies...

      Many times... people see me sad or angry... and some might even thought that its them who made me that way... but honestly, i have no rights to blame others on how things had turned out... i would only blame myself as... i should only blame myself... why am i expecting from people that i know i will never get... many people thought that i am competitive... especially with others... yes i agree, i often pit against others... or compared myself with others... but most importantly... my minimal standard is... i want to compete with myself... better my own records...

      i may be viewed as childish... i may be viewed as insensitive... or even blamed for what had happened... but i don't care much as long as i get the trust i think i deserved... especially my buddies... to many people, family had been #1 in their importance list... they can even call back every night, like Jx... i envy that... but to me... i somehow i don't... and Friends or should i say buddies are my #1...

      maybe, just maybe... i shouldn't be asking so much... but am i...?!

don't know

      Losing faith... losing trust... losing courage... losing confidence... losing soul... and at one point of time... i had almost lose myself...

      its been a long time since i almost lose control of my emotions... no... not really crying as tears had long been dried... its the anger... i had almost lost control of myself... blood boils... wanting to bash them up or even cursed them to death... Thankfully, i still managed to 'wake up' and never been harsh to others who are innocent...

      i soon chose to remain silence... not that i don't want to say out... but i don't know how... i found out that i couldnt really express myself the way i wanted to... maybe due to TH incident too... i kept many things to myself... i couldn't really find any channel... or anyone really ready to listen to me... im saying in army, of course... i know Dz & Jx had been asking me why i behaves the way i did before & after Exercise Falcon... i couldn't answer the questions... i just suddenly feel so lost... i could force a smile for people like QiKang or YaoQiang 'cos they don't really know me... and i don't want them to worry for me... My platoon mates had been with me longer... hence they saw me at my lowest point of army days before...

      my heart wants me to tell Dz & Jx what happens... but somehow i couldn't do it... i feel that they will say that i am childish... and stupid to think the way i am thinking... or saying my reactions to things are wilfulness... but i just wanted them to trust me and be with me... Just like a child wanted to be 'like' by others... and wanting their 'big sisters' or 'big brothers' to be with them for endless time... maybe i am selfish... but i can't stop myself from thinking that way... i couldn't dished out all my thoughts... but this is the minimal of my thoughts...

      i just don't know...