don't know

      Losing faith... losing trust... losing courage... losing confidence... losing soul... and at one point of time... i had almost lose myself...

      its been a long time since i almost lose control of my emotions... no... not really crying as tears had long been dried... its the anger... i had almost lost control of myself... blood boils... wanting to bash them up or even cursed them to death... Thankfully, i still managed to 'wake up' and never been harsh to others who are innocent...

      i soon chose to remain silence... not that i don't want to say out... but i don't know how... i found out that i couldnt really express myself the way i wanted to... maybe due to TH incident too... i kept many things to myself... i couldn't really find any channel... or anyone really ready to listen to me... im saying in army, of course... i know Dz & Jx had been asking me why i behaves the way i did before & after Exercise Falcon... i couldn't answer the questions... i just suddenly feel so lost... i could force a smile for people like QiKang or YaoQiang 'cos they don't really know me... and i don't want them to worry for me... My platoon mates had been with me longer... hence they saw me at my lowest point of army days before...

      my heart wants me to tell Dz & Jx what happens... but somehow i couldn't do it... i feel that they will say that i am childish... and stupid to think the way i am thinking... or saying my reactions to things are wilfulness... but i just wanted them to trust me and be with me... Just like a child wanted to be 'like' by others... and wanting their 'big sisters' or 'big brothers' to be with them for endless time... maybe i am selfish... but i can't stop myself from thinking that way... i couldn't dished out all my thoughts... but this is the minimal of my thoughts...

      i just don't know...